When is it narcissism? A practical guide to understanding difficult behaviour

When someone in your life consistently prioritizes their needs over yours, dismisses your feelings, or seems incapable of genuine empathy, you might find yourself wondering: are they narcissistic? Selfish? Or just emotionally immature? These questions matter because the answers shape how you engage with this person—and how much change to expect from them.

As a counsellor, I don't diagnose clients; diagnostic categories are also not a central part of my therapeutic world view.

What I can offer is a framework for understanding these patterns, recognizing capacity for change, and making informed decisions about your relationships—all while remembering that behind every difficult behaviour is a human story, often marked by trauma and unmet needs.

Untangling the language

The word “narcissist” has disseminated from psychology textbooks into everyday conversation. We might call someone narcissistic for taking too many selfies, talking over us at dinner, or forgetting our birthday. This casual usage muddles an important distinction.

Less than 6% of the population meets the criteria for true Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that causes significant distress and impairment. While this 6% may seem quite high, most difficult people in our lives don't qualify as having NPD—they're struggling with emotional immaturity, situational selfishness, or narcissistic traits that fall short of the clinical threshold.

Why does this distinction matter? Because someone with emotional immaturity might develop better relationship skills with patience and clear boundaries.

Someone experiencing situational selfishness might return to their generous self once their stress resolves. Someone with true NPD requires years of specialized therapy to make modest changes, if any. Knowing the difference helps you set realistic expectations and protect your own wellbeing.

Knowing the difference helps you set realistic expectations and protect your own wellbeing.

The language we use also shapes how we see people. Labeling someone a “narcissist” can close off possibilities for connection and growth. Understanding patterns without pathologizing people keeps doors open where appropriate—and helps us close them when necessary.

Understanding through trauma and interaction

The old debate of “nature versus nurture” doesn’t capture the way that human development works. It is always an interaction between our genetic potential and our environment. Even our genes themselves are shaped by experience through epigenetics—trauma can alter how genes are expressed, and these changes can pass through generations.

Consider this: A grandmother who survived famine may pass down genetic changes that make her grandchildren more prone to hoarding resources or feeling unsafe around scarcity. This isn't “inherited selfishness”—it's an adaptive response that helped the family line survive. What looks like personality is often biology shaped by history, expressed in the present moment.

When we encounter someone with narcissistic patterns, we're often seeing protective strategies that developed in response to early wounds. The child who wasn't seen or valued might develop grandiose defenses against feeling worthless. The one who experienced unpredictable caregiving might become controlling to manage anxiety. The child whose vulnerability was exploited might build impenetrable walls.

These patterns often emerge from what we might call “trauma of omission”—not just what happened, but what didn't happen. The absence of consistent attunement, mirroring, and emotional safety can be as damaging as overt abuse. A child who never learned they were inherently worthy might spend a lifetime demanding proof of their value from others.

Behind the most difficult behaviour often lies profound shame and vulnerability.

The person who seems utterly self-absorbed may be desperately protecting themselves from feelings of worthlessness. The one who can't apologize may fear that admitting fault means confirming their deepest fear: that they're fundamentally defective.

This doesn't mean you should tolerate mistreatment. Understanding someone's pain doesn't obligate you to absorb it. But recognizing the wounding underneath difficult behaviour can help you respond more skilfully—with boundaries that protect you and compassion that keeps your heart open where appropriate.

The practical spectrum

Understanding where someone falls on this spectrum helps predict their capacity for change and informs your approach. Here's a practical breakdown:

Pattern	Key Features	Root Causes	Change Capacity
Emotional Immaturity	Poor regulation, limited empathy, childlike reactions	Developmental gaps, lack of emotional education	🟢 HIGH with support
Situational Selfishness	Context-specific, may show remorse, stress-driven	Fear/scarcity, overwhelm, learned patterns	🟡 MODERATE-HIGH
Narcissistic Traits	Persistent defenses, difficulty with criticism, limited empathy	Early trauma, shame, defensive strategies	🟠 MODERATE
NPD	Pervasive patterns, exploitative, no remorse	Deep shame, no stable self formed	🔴 LOW

Emotional immaturity: When development stalls

Emotional immaturity is a developmental state, not a character flaw. These individuals never learned to regulate emotions, consider others' perspectives, or take responsibility gracefully. They're not choosing to be difficult—they literally lack the skills.

You might notice:

• They react to disappointment like a child denied candy—tantrums, sulking, or blame

• They can't hold space for your feelings when they're upset

• They make promises in the moment they can't keep because they haven't learned to consider future consequences

• Their apologies sound like “I'm sorry you feel that way” because they can't grasp their impact on others

Like a child in an adult body, they default to whatever gets their immediate needs met. The key insight: they're not malicious, they're unskilled.

Research on emotional development suggests that with consistent support, coaching, or therapy, people with emotional immaturity can begin showing improvements within 4-8 weeks. This doesn't mean complete transformation—rather, you might notice they're starting to catch themselves, attempting new responses, or showing moments of increased awareness. Of course, this assumes they're motivated to grow and receiving appropriate help.

Emotional immaturity is a developmental state, not a character flaw.

Situational selfishness: When circumstances overwhelm

Situational selfishness can affect anyone, including emotionally mature people. When we feel threatened, overwhelmed, or scarce on resources, our world narrows.

Our nervous system shifts into survival mode, and empathy—a luxury of safety—goes offline.

Examples include:

• The usually generous parent who becomes self-focused during a contentious divorce

• The caring friend who withdraws and stops returning calls during job loss

• The partner who becomes demanding and insensitive while managing chronic pain

• The typically thoughtful colleague who becomes territorial when layoffs loom

The telltale sign: This person has shown capacity for empathy and consideration in better times. Their selfishness is context-dependent, not character-based.

Because situational selfishness is context-driven, timelines for change vary dramatically. Sometimes removing the stressor brings immediate improvement. Other times, the person needs support processing the stress or trauma before their generous nature reemerges. The key is that change tends to follow naturally once they feel safer and more resourced.

Narcissistic traits: When defenses become identity

Narcissistic traits involve more persistent patterns of self-protection. Unlike situational selfishness, these defenses show up across contexts—at work, home, and in friendships. The person has built walls around their vulnerability, but there's still a coherent self underneath.

You might observe:

• They consistently need to be right or best, but occasionally show genuine care

• They struggle with criticism but might reflect on it days later

• They have some relationships where they show real empathy, usually where they feel very safe

• Their grandiosity feels compensatory—pump them up and they relax

These patterns are more entrenched than immaturity but not as rigid as NPD. Change requires consistent work but remains possible.

Therapy research indicates that people with narcissistic traits (but not full NPD) who engage in consistent therapeutic work might begin showing meaningful changes within 6-12 months. This is not a promise or prediction—many factors influence change, including the person's motivation, the skill of their therapist, and whether they have supportive relationships. Some people change faster, some slower, and some not at all despite everyone's best efforts.

NPD: When the defense becomes the self

NPD represents something qualitatively different. Early trauma was so severe or occurred so early that no stable sense of self ever formed. The grandiosity isn't protecting a wounded self—it IS the self.

The difference becomes clear in their relationships:

• They don't just struggle with empathy; they seem incapable of it

• Others exist only as sources of supply or threat

• They don't just fear criticism; they respond with rage or complete devaluation of the critic

• Their lies aren't just defensive; they seem to believe their own distortions

This is why change is so difficult; dropping defenses would mean psychological collapse.

Imagine a house built entirely of defensive walls with no actual structure inside. This is why change is so difficult; dropping defenses would mean psychological collapse. The therapeutic process involves slowly building an integral self while maintaining enough defenses to prevent decompensation—work that takes years with a skilled therapist.

Assessment tools: Is change possible?

Determining someone's capacity for change requires careful observation over time. Here are key indicators:

The feedback test

Even if the person’s initial response to feedback tends to be defensive, do they ever return to reflect on the conversation after some time has passed?

For example:

• Monday: “You never help with dinner.” Response: “That's not true! I cooked last month!”

• Wednesday: “I've been thinking about what you said. Maybe I could cook twice a week?”

This return to the conversation shows the person can move past initial defensiveness—a hopeful sign.

Pattern recognition over 3-6 months

Track specific behaviours:

• After discussing their interrupting habit, do they catch themselves mid-interruption?

• Have they started asking “How was your day?” after you pointed out they only talk about themselves?

• Can they now say “I was wrong” instead of elaborate justifications?

Small improvements count. Someone who goes from never apologizing to offering defensive apologies is moving in the right direction.

Context check

Map their difficult behaviour to circumstances:

• Do they become selfish only during tax season, family visits, or work deadlines?

• Are they generous on vacation but stingy during the workweek?

• Do they show empathy with friends but not with family (or vice versa)?

Context-dependent patterns suggest stress responses rather than personality issues.

The security test

Cultivate moments of safety and observe:

• After a relaxing weekend, are they more able to hear your concerns?

• When you validate their feelings first, do they become more open to yours?

• If you remove a stressor (hire a babysitter, order takeout), does their behaviour improve?

Someone who becomes more generous when feeling secure is likely dealing with fear-based patterns.

Timeline guidelines

3-month evaluation: After three months of consistent boundaries and clear communication, you should see:

• Some acknowledgment that there's a problem

• Beginning attempts at change, even if inconsistent

• Moments of genuine remorse or concern for your wellbeing

6-month assessment: By six months, look for:

• Concrete behavioural improvements (not just promises)

• Increased self-awareness (“I notice I get defensive when...”)

• Ability to repair after conflicts

12-month reality check: If major problems persist after a year of your best efforts, it's time to radically accept this person's limitations and decide what role they can sustainably play in your life.

Red flags suggesting minimal change capacity

• Rage responses to gentle feedback (throwing objects, screaming, threats)

• Repeated conversations about the same behaviour without any lasting change, even if apologies or promises are sometimes made

• Using your vulnerabilities against you (“No wonder your ex left you”)

• No genuine remorse—apologies focus on consequences to them, not harm to you

• Exploitation that escalates over time

Determining someone's capacity for change requires careful observation over time.

Practical interaction strategies

Your approach should match the pattern you're dealing with:

For emotional immaturity

Think of yourself as a teacher, not a rescuer. Use clear, educational boundaries:

Instead of: “You're so selfish!”
Try: “When you make plans without checking with me, I feel disrespected. I need you to check our shared calendar before committing us to things.”

Instead of: “You never listen!”
Try: “I notice you started planning your response while I was talking. Can you reflect back what you heard me say first?”

Model the behaviour you want to see. Stay calm during their emotional storms. Acknowledge their feelings while maintaining boundaries: “I can see you're really frustrated that I won't lend you money. I care about you, and my boundary remains the same.”

Create learning opportunities:

• “What do you think happened there?”

• “How do you think Sarah felt when you said that?”

• “What might you do differently next time?”

Celebrate small improvements—emotional skills develop slowly. Remember that shame shuts down learning, so maintain warmth while holding boundaries.

For safety-driven selfishness

Address the underlying fear or scarcity. Validate the feeling while maintaining expectations:

Script: “It seems like you're feeling really overwhelmed about money right now. That must be scary. And I still need you to contribute your share of rent. How can we problem-solve this together?”

Create safety to reduce defensive behaviour:

• “I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out together.”

• “Your job situation is temporary. Let's look at the budget and see what's possible.”

• “I notice you get controlling when you're anxious. What would help you feel safer right now?”

Sometimes practical support reduces selfish behaviour more than confrontation. Keep in mind, though, that it is not your responsibility to fix the situation for them (and you may not be able to). Still, it may be appropriate to offer help:

• Stressed parent? Arrange childcare so they can rest

• Overwhelmed partner? Take something off their plate temporarily

• Anxious friend? Help them make a plan for their worry

The feeling of lack of safety may run deeper than the current situation. In this case, counselling may be of benefit to address deep-seated feelings of not being safe.

For narcissistic traits or NPD

Here, firm boundaries matter more than education. State consequences clearly and follow through:

Script: “If you raise your voice at me, I'll leave the room. If you follow me, I'll leave the house.”

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)—this invites debate. Keep it simple:

• “That doesn't work for me.”

• “I'm not available for that.”

• “This conversation is over.”

Limit emotional investment:

• Share practical information but not vulnerabilities

• Don't expect emotional reciprocity

• Maintain your own support system

Document patterns if you need to maintain contact (co-parenting, work) and if this feels necessary:

• Email conversations when possible

• Keep a journal of incidents

• Save texts and voicemails

Accept that meaningful change, if it happens, will take years and professional help. Your job is not to be their therapist.

All this being said, it is useful to practice awareness of our impulse to vilify people with this pattern. As much suffering as the person may be causing to others, we can be sure that they are suffering themselves too.

The mirror turn: Self-reflection

The harder, more transformative work is recognizing these patterns in ourselves.

It's easy to focus outward and catalog others' failings. The harder, more transformative work is recognizing these patterns in ourselves. We all live somewhere on this spectrum, moving between healthy self-care and problematic self-focus depending on our stress and circumstances.

To answer each question below, pause and recall two specific incidents: one where you handled the situation skilfully, and one where you didn't respond as you wish you had.

When have I received feedback constructively, and when did I respond defensively? What made the difference?
Perhaps you noticed that feedback from your partner triggers you more than feedback from your boss. Or you're open when you're rested but defensive when tired. These patterns reveal where you feel safe versus threatened.

Can I recall a conflict where I stayed calm and another where I lost composure? What was different?
Maybe you maintain equilibrium until someone questions your competence, then you explode. Or you're patient until you feel unseen, then you withdraw. These triggers point to your core wounds.

Do I remember times I took responsibility for a mistake, and other times when I deflected blame? What influenced my response?
Notice if you can admit “small” mistakes but not ones that threaten your identity. Or if you take responsibility with certain people but not others. This shows where shame lives in your system.

When do I act selfishly from fear versus from immaturity?
Maybe you hoard resources when money feels tight (fear) but forget to consider others' feelings daily (immaturity). Distinguishing these helps you know what work to do.

The goal isn't to eliminate all selfishness—some self-focus is healthy and necessary. The goal is consciousness: knowing your patterns, understanding your triggers, and expanding your capacity to choose rather than react.

Consider keeping a weekly reflection journal: Where did I act from my wounds this week? Where did I act from my wisdom? What triggered the difference?

Making your decision

The decision to stay engaged with someone displaying these patterns depends on three factors:

Evidence of change capacity: Do they seek feedback, show genuine remorse, and make behavioural adjustments over time? Even small, consistent improvements suggest potential for growth. Someone who moves from “I did nothing wrong” to “Maybe I could have handled that better” is progressing, even if slowly.

Personal cost assessment: What is this relationship costing you in terms of mental health, other relationships, and life goals? Be specific:

• Are you losing sleep or experiencing anxiety?

• Have other relationships suffered because of this person's demands?

• Does being in this relationship mean that you can’t seek out a relationship in which more of your needs might be met?

• Do you feel like you're becoming someone you don't like?

If the relationship consistently depletes you without reciprocity, stepping back isn't giving up—it's self-preservation.

If the relationship consistently depletes you without reciprocity, stepping back isn't giving up—it's self-preservation.

Safety and respect: Never compromise on fundamental safety. This includes:

• Physical safety (any violence or threats)

• Emotional safety (constant criticism, contempt, stonewalling)

• Financial safety (exploitation, theft, sabotage)

• Psychological safety (gaslighting, manipulation, cruelty)

If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries after clear communication, they're showing you who they are. Believe them.

Remember: you cannot heal someone else's trauma. You can offer support and maintain boundaries, but their growth remains their responsibility. Love doesn't mean absorbing harm in hopes of eventual change.

Compassion without self-sacrifice

Everyone deserves understanding, but not everyone deserves access to you. Recognizing the pain behind difficult behaviour doesn't obligate you to absorb its impact. You can hold compassion for someone's struggle while protecting yourself from harm.

This might sound like: “I understand you're hurting, and the way you're treating me is not acceptable. I hope you get the help you need. I need to protect my own wellbeing now.”

Your agency lies in choosing how to engage—or whether to engage at all. Sometimes the most loving thing for everyone involved is to step back and allow each person to do their own work. You might limit contact, set strict boundaries, or end the relationship entirely.

There's no shame in protecting yourself. Your wellbeing matters. Your growth matters. Your capacity to show up for the relationships that nourish you matters. Choose wisely where you direct your precious energy.